Are You A Difficult Cow?
Recently, I have found myself repeatedly saying these words, “I am not being difficult but…”. I hear my ‘I do not wish to be a problem’ voice hesitantly interrupting and then immediately apologising for a number of reasons - for not agreeing with the status quo, for having an alternative opinion, for questioning decisions, for refusing to bow down to the dubious practices that surround me, for highlighting injustices, for putting up my hand to comment in an online meeting.
Why am I doing this? Why am I choosing to soften my right to interject with such a negative and demeaning introduction? Is it because the culture just does not welcome it? Is it because I am so far down the pecking order? Is it because someone (male I might add) told me I was passive-aggressive?
Actually, I think it is primarily because I have witnessed what happens to many women who choose to open their mouths and use their voices. Occasionally, they are swiftly exited, other times side-lined, sometimes warned to keep silent, most definitely talked about behind their backs. I fully understand the dangers of being labelled. If I am to be totally honest, sadly, I want to be liked, not disliked.
We have a Northern Irish expression which is often used to describe the most obstreperous, opinionated, stubborn and awkward females - they are known as ‘difficult cows’. It’s just one of the ways women are described - “she’s an alpha female”, “she’s not easy to work with”, “she’s formidable”, “she’s a bit loud”, “she’s a complete ball-buster”, and worst of all, “she behaves like a man!”. Call me anything you like, but please do not tell me I behave like a man!! Somewhere along the line, we seem to have forgotten just how valuable the alpha female is to the world. Let’s celebrate her. She is “a woman who has embraced her leadership ambitions. She is talented, highly motivated, and self-confident”. What exactly is wrong with that?
I have four daughters. The eldest will become an adult in just a few weeks’ time. My generation could not solve the issues that hold their gender back and so my hope for them is that they become as ‘difficult’ as possible as they encounter barriers and learn to navigate the environments they will have to operate in the future. Without ‘difficult cows’ to drive forward agendas and address inequalities, we would all still be uneducated, without our own bank accounts, without access to mortgages, ballot papers and seats at many many tables.
So for anyone who needs to hear this today, you are not difficult if:
- You challenge poor decisions.
- You ask questions.
- You come up with ideas.
- You refuse to accept injustice.
- You oppose your leadership.
- You are completely dissatisfied with what you see around you.
If you are using your voice, keep going. Most of us who choose to be ‘difficult’, seldom do it for ourselves. We do it in service for others. Therefore, you do not need to apologise for being a pioneer, a trailblazer, for picking a fight if it makes a difference for others. It’s not easy. In fact, it’s often exhausting. At many points, you will ask, should I just let it go. So for anyone who has had the stuffing recently knocked out of them by standing up for what they believe in, just remember the opposite of resistance is compliance. Whilst your current battle may not have worked out, never, ever throw in the towel. If you reach out, there are many others who will join you and one defeat is not the end of the journey.
As the Sunday Times bestseller Difficult Women: A History of Feminism in 11 Fights puts it - “Well-behaved women don’t make history, difficult women do”.
Currently, I (along with a few other ‘difficult’ and determined women), am in the process of establishing ‘Women’s Networks in Ireland’. We have a vision to use the collective power of women across many networks, organisations and sectors to collaboratively tackle the issues impacting on women and to affect tangible change for women in the workplace. We want to focus on policy and research. We recognise there is much good work happening but often it is happening in silos, leading to circular conversations rather than meaningful change. We are all doing this voluntarily. It matters to us. We are aiming to engage more people to ensure we are fully and expertly equipped with all the knowledge needed to strategically move this forward. We need guidance, expertise, wisdom, advice. We need to know where best to start (the issues are immense) and the type of structure that might work best. We need supporters. You don’t even need to be that difficult, you just need to care.
But, if you are a difficult cow, we’d especially like to hear from you!!
Please get in touch with me if you would like to find out more.
Thanks for reading and keep being difficult!
