We’re TIRED (How The Mental Load Sucks Women’s Energy)
P.S. Most of the brilliance in this piece is towards the end so keep reading…
On 12 September 2021, there was a man on Twitter who said he was stepping down from his job to devote himself full-time to reading the emails from his kids’ schools. So far, he has reached an impressive 82.7k likes¹. Perhaps he just happened to capture the mood of the nation when, in less than 140 characters, he expressed his frustrations about those constant pings, ranging from daily Covid guidelines updates to every single positive PCR in Room 33.
I couldn’t help wondering though - if a woman had posted this update, would anyone have even noticed?
Based on my experience as a conscientious mother who likes to settle down with a glass of wine on a Friday evening and catch up on her favourite ‘parent mails’, the first two weeks of term were no more onerous than any other period in my life.
I have plenty of qualifications², my organisational skills are second to none, I am emotionally intelligent (I think?). I get stuff done, fast. I can multitask with one hand, I know a strategy when I see one. Yet, I have never risen to the great heights of professional success. I have no hope of being a ‘senior leader’³. Why? Surely, I should have excelled at something, anything at all. There are many out there who would make money from telling me my stalling career progression was due to lack of confidence, a faltering self-belief, imposter syndrome, a failure to take risks, a reticence to self-promote. They would offer to counsel me, coach me, train me to become more visible, to go for that promotion, to believe in myself, to sell my wares. There are endless workshops and events I could attend to improve me.
I might have believed I needed that help, it is so easy to unwittingly fall into that trap, if it hadn’t been for R⁴. At an online chat recently, she unmuted, took a deep breath and reminded us that women do not achieve all the things they could - not because of anything they lack - but because they are TIRED. Alongside looking after everyone and everything at work, they have a second job, looking after everyone and everything at home. Quite simply, they haven’t enough energy left. She said “we give all of ourselves to everyone else, emotionally, mentally, psychologically, physically and we have nothing left for ourselves. We are bottom of our own to-do list”.
Women don’t need more confidence. What they need is a team of staff.
For the last eighteen years, raising four children, holding down a job, there were times when it felt like my head was going to explode. The mental load was often unbearable. I carried a massive internal filing cabinet around. I was afraid I was going to drop the ball as I drifted off to sleep so I’d lie awake trying not to forget. I didn’t have any battery left to plot a coherent career trajectory.
In her book Who Cooked Adam Smith’s Dinner, Katrine Marcel highlights the key problem women encounter - “women has entered the job market but man has not entered the home to the same extent”. She says, “an entire generation interpreted the slick proclamation ‘You can be everything’ as ‘You have to be everything’. ‘Having it all’ became ‘doing it all’”.⁵
There is an (often invisible) cognitive labour women undertake which leaves little room for any additional dreams. So, we just close off those dreams and concentrate on getting through each day, on reaching the end of the tasks on the to-do list and then starting all over again the next day.
I am going to call this mental load - the 4Rs and the 3Ps!
Remembering
Oh my, there is always so much to remember …
There was one occasion when my husband and I fell out because I hadn’t reminded him about his best friend’s thirtieth birthday. We agreed from that point on, he would take responsibility for his own blood relations and anyone only he had known before we met.
Researching
What is most disappointing is that none of this all-consuming, intensive research brings any scientific advancement. It usually involves purchases on eBay.
Where can I get a … ‘Where’s Wally’ outfit with next-day delivery’, ‘a long-sleeved purple t-shirt’, ‘a stuffed koala’, ‘an inflatable dragon’?
Reflecting
After doing it all, then we must reflect on how well we did it. We churn questions like … “Why did I do that?”, “Did I look like an idiot?“, “Have I completely ruined their childhood?”.
Reassuring
These words exit my mouth too regularly …
- “Of course, the pilot/government/your teacher knows what they’re doing”.
- “You look lovely”.
- “You’ll be fine”.
- “No-one is looking at your ankles”.
- “Put a bit of concealer on it”.
- “Tell Mrs Brown, you’ll bring it tomorrow. She won’t shout at you”.
- “He didn’t mean it”.
Panicking
Occasionally, to evade this panic, I transport myself to a parallel universe where I believe I can stop time. This used to happen most regularly on Mondays when I attempted to get from the office, down the motorway, through rush-hour traffic, to childcare, then on to swimming lessons in approximately fifteen minutes. I controlled my panic well by repeatedly screaming, “just put your costume on in the car”.
Promising
I could have a degree in false promises. Common examples include, “We’re in a hurry, we’ll get it next time we’re here”, “Yes, I’ll buy you all the sweets in the world if you just get in the car/put on your coat/stop whining”, “We’ll talk about it later”.
Predicting/Planning/Preparing/Prioritising
Cheating a bit with this quadruple whammy but it makes up about 99.9% of my inner thoughts. This is the continual “getting everything done by when it needs done” household admin.
And so, that is a quick summary of the mental load that sucks women’s energy. Now, I’m really TIRED. Do let me know if I’ve forgotten anything?⁶
[1] I note he didn’t have time to put an apostrophe in kids…
[2] Women tend to think more qualifications will help them progress. They won’t. You’ll just learn more theory that you’ll never get to put into practice…
[3] Such an over-used term - what does ‘senior leader’ mean?
[4] Identity has been protected.
[5] Marcel, K. (2015) Who Cooked Adam Smith’s Dinner?: A Story About Women and Economics.
[6] Come along to an online coffee gathering on 25 November 2021 to talk about this. Register via Eventbrite.
